On and on....

This week included another hospital visit- I know, I know, this is ridiculous. I feel like crying right now. Ok I am. I try and stay positive during the day, but I think all of my negativity comes out when I write. So I'm sorry for anyone who reads this. But sometimes just writing about everything and how hard it is, makes things seem better.

I find myself looking at the world through foggy glass - as if this planet is something I'm not apart of anymore. From my apartment window, I see people down at the pool or on the tennis court, and I wonder How is that possible? How are they able to get up and move? When in the car driving to the hospital, I think, All these hundreds of people living normal lives and driving to work, school, wherever, do they know how lucky they are? Are they jumping for joy each day just because they CAN jump? I see someone gulp down a glass of water and think Oh I wish I could do that. Do they know what a blessing it is for them right now to be able to gulp water?  

Tyler does everything for me now. And I wanted so badly to support him during this year. And instead, he is supporting me. I have become such a demanding wife Tyler, can you get me toast? Tyler, can you get me medicine? Tyler can you get me a pillow? Tyler can you come home from school to take me to the hospital? Tyler, can you wave a magic wand and make me feel better? And he does all of it without complaining. And I love him all the more for doing everything within his power to take care of me.  I really did marry the perfect man.

I know I've mentioned that I have trouble talking. And that is mostly because I have trouble breathing. I have to maintain consistent breathing in order to keep stomach acid down. Even taking the time to say a few words interrupts the breathing pattern. I can still talk, but it just makes me feel worse. So, Tyler and I have come up with our own sort of sign language. And he has placed a bell next to my bed that I ring to get his attention. It is a bell that we were given by one of Tyler's dear friends while on our honeymoon in Paris. The bell  has a picture of the Eiffel Tower on it.

I found a website that has been helpful for me. It has stories of women with HG (hyperemesis gravidarum) and what it was like for them.  For some reason I found it helpful to know that other women have made it through and many say it was so worth it in the end.  Some of their stories are heartbreaking, as they express thoughts of not being able to go on.  I am not quite that bad, but I do understand how this illness effects women not only physically, but mentally and emotionally. And my heart goes out to those who feel like they can't make it.

But I am determined to make it. I have mentally prepared myself to be sick the entire time. So if I am, oh well. Although I am hoping that I'll get better by the third trimester. And I even want more kids after this one. I am really hoping now for twins someday. Two kids for the price of only one pregnancy sounds like a great deal.